What Happens in the Stillness

As the steam began to rise, I stepped into the shower—my phone radio as loud as it would go.
The minute the water hit my body, I began to shake with deep sobs.

My husband and I had plans to meet with friends for a dinner party in thirty minutes. Yet, I had come home late from work, rushing around in the kitchen trying to finish my contribution to the dinner, and I still had to shower to get ready, clean up the mess from a freezer mishap, and pack up the food.

As I inhaled the lavender infused steam, I placed my right hand over my heart and started to deepen my breath moving into ujjayi breathing.

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted my own business, only recently settling on owning a yoga studio. Yet lately, I have been struggling with balancing a 40-hour work week as a first-year school teacher, following my passion as an entrepreneur, and keeping home.

In the moment that my freezer spewed out cans of bone broth, I realized I simply could not balance life anymore, especially as my discussions with my husband lately have turned to house hunting and children.

I felt my soul start to give, my years of yoga practice giving me mindfulness: I could recognize the effect that too much stress would have on me.

Ujjayi breath or victorious breath is meant to induce mindfulness. Its audible sound helps one to be aware of how her body is using breath.

My desire to finish my Master’s degree and write a business plan pulled against my desire to have children.

My soul felt torn.

All I knew to do in that moment was to turn on a hot shower, add a few drops of lavender oil, and breathe in the stillness.

I can work. And I can dream. I whispered to myself on the inhales.
I can keep up my home and marriage. I whispered on the exhales.
My soul can be filled in the waiting space. I inhaled.
Keep dreaming. Pause. Breathe.
You are not alone. I exhaled.

Caitlin Lore is the founder of Wildly Free Life, a space dedicated to living wild freedom, practicing presence, experiencing restoration, and finding adventure. She is a wife, Holy Yoga instructor, writer, holistic wellness educator, entrepreneur, and marriage retreat maker. She specializes in yoga for athletes, restorative yoga, and power yoga classes. www.wildlyfreelife.com.